Together is better - sometimes

During my years caring for patients, the most common condition I saw was not heart disease or diabetes; it was loneliness.

~ Vivek Murthy MD, former Surgeon General of the United States

Humans are social beings. We are wired to connect.

Without a doubt, those confined in small spaces with others, working or learning from home, may be longing for some alone time. Nonetheless, we are experiencing an unprecedented crisis of loneliness.

Current research concludes that the mortality impact of loneliness is equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes per day.

From a public health perspective, Vivek Murthy MD has been outspoken about his concern that loneliness is causing a growing epidemic of alcohol abuse, drug addiction, domestic violence, stress, anxiety and depression. In April 2020 his book Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World was published. How timely!

One need not be alone to feel lonely.

Having immigrated to Canada at age nine, not speaking a word of English, at times, I felt very much alone. Teachers observed that I seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I felt insecure. Cues of safety were hard to find. I was highly sensitive to environmental input. I believed that, as a family, we were an inconvenience to relatives and a burden to the school system. People did not want us here.

My parents had enough to deal with, adapting to a foreign country. I did not share my feelings. I had to find a way to become self-sufficient. I had to prove that I was an asset to society, not a liability. I had to earn my keep and blend in.

Because of a sense of indebtedness, common among immigrants, I studied hard. I worked hard. I did what was asked of me. I exceeded expectations and became a perfectionist. I constantly apologized for any inconvenience. I thanked even those who weren't so kind.

In a state of hurt, over time I developed a tendency to see what was broken and a calling to act. Righteous anger mobilized me into activism. I lobbied on behalf of concerned citizens for clean air, clean food and clean water. I even challenged oncologists and neurologists, treating my loved ones, to think outside the box. I questioned their use of fear to get compliance with what would have proven to be over-treatment - creating patients for life. It was exhausting.

Fortunately, since the fall, I've spent a lot of time by myself in a fairly remote location.

There is a difference between solitude and loneliness. Solitude is a choice.

Somehow, I found myself disconnecting from all but family. Under the circumstances, I embraced the opportunity for a much-needed pause and reset.

In my solitude, I have had a lot of time to think. I overcame my fear of being alone. I found time to face the demons within.

I became especially preoccupied with the disrespect visible minorities have experienced during the pandemic. People have become fearful and suspicious of foreigners.

As a non-visible minority, I have at times heard disrespectful comments, without speaking out. I condoned poor behaviour.

If I want to be the change I wish to see in others, I have to have the courage to stand up for those who are oppressed. I want to do it respectfully, yet impact-fully.

In my quest to do better, I have had to spend a lot of time unlearning. I recognize that we tend to see things as we are, not as they are.

To attract the right people into our lives, we have to figure out what we are looking for and embody their characteristics.

I became the interior decorator, the electrician, the house painter, the seamstress, the hairdresser, the chef, the website developer, the blogger, the monk, the psychotherapist and the doctor. I haven’t been bored.

Joking aside, I am learning to accept the things I cannot change, and to change the things I can.

This is a work in progress. The serenity prayer has become a part of my daily routine.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

When we learn to enjoy our own company, being alone does not cause suffering. On the contrary, it can be healing. I feel blessed.