The house is on fire

The people who test your patience are a blessing. Without them, you can't practice patience.

~ Nouman Ali Khan

Feeling unsafe and a lack of trust are common traits in older adults in our family.

Trust is often a byproduct of social density. When social circles shrink, trust often declines.

Cognitive decline, particularly in the early stages of dementia, can affect the amygdala and prefrontal cortex—the brain regions responsible for evaluating social cues and determining whether someone is trustworthy.

As older adults lose the ability to manage their own finances or drive, they must rely more on others. This lack of agency can create a defensive psychological posture; when you must trust others to survive, the fear of that trust being betrayed becomes heightened.

Since COVID, my mother, who was very social, no longer socializes with anyone other than family. Gradually, Mom has lost the will and mobility to venture outside the home, including staying in her children’s homes. She prefers we come to her.

Fear that the house may burn down has created dependence. She is not doing laundry or using the stove or the toaster. Mom even refuses to turn on the television and radio.

Sadly, due to lack of trust, she has insisted we cancel all the Personal Support Work we worked hard to arrange.

One night last week, because the furnace fan had somehow been switched from auto to on, my mother came to believe the house would be heated to the point it would burst into flames. At 10:30 PM, in distress, she uncharacteristically went out onto the street seeking help from anyone who might pass by.

Fortunately, my sister Anna had installed a security camera. When she witnessed the distress, she got in her car and drove to the rescue. Two minutes before she arrived, a woman whom my mother brought in from the street was calling for help.

Closing thought

Patience is the companion of wisdom.

~ Saint Augustine

As the body ages, the physical world can start to feel like a series of hazards.

Frailty often triggers a general feeling of being unprotected.

Difficult as it may seem, sometimes the bravest and most important thing we can do is show up and practice patience.