Reliving the past

Give me a child until he is 7, and I will show you the man.

~ Aristotle

Not every grandparent has the opportunity to become immersed in the upbringing of their grandchild.

Approaching eleven months after the birth of our granddaughter, I continue to help two days per week. The opportunity to learn from this experience has been profound. For that, I am grateful.

Through my engagement, I have relived and reassessed my days of child-rearing, which until now were a bit of a haze.

Giving birth to a child changes the trajectory of one’s life

First babies have the often unenviable task of turning people into parents.

~ Penelope Leach

Parenthood changes priorities. It’s as if a switch is clicked in the new parent’s brain, wiring them to become more selfless, to put the needs of their young above their own.

Worry and hypervigilance to protect the infant ensue. Sleep is lost. Grooming, for new moms, becomes a luxury. Career decisions take into consideration the well-being of the child. If the capability to pay for basic needs is a problem, a quick return to work and affordable childcare are sought.

The need for a two-income household has impoverished the minds of some of our least fortunate. One-on-one care with love and attention increases success early on. In Canada, more affordable group care has been insufficient for future success.

Unfortunately, the value we have assigned to child care increases the likelihood that a caregiver who is paid poorly for such a challenging job lives in survival mode. We all know parents who can hardly wait to return to work half a year into parental leave. The mental and biological impact of operating in survival mode impairs function and competence over time. The child suffers. Society pays the price later.

Children matter. Mental health has become the leading cause of disability. It is a collective cry for help that society needs to heed.

The lens through which I see parenthood

Those who work bullshit jobs are often surrounded by honour and prestige; they are respected as professionals, well-paid, and treated as high achievers.

~ David Graeber

The child-focused culture I grew up in provides the lens through which I see what appears to be amiss in Canada.

I recall signing up for a child-rearing course at a local church when our children were young. The minister’s first principle was: Love your spouse more than your children. I walked out after the first session never to return. I couldn’t wrap my head around prioritizing the needs of an adult over those of a child.

It is true that through a loving relationship with our spouse, we model good behaviour to our children, who in adulthood tend to replicate the conditions they associate with love in their childhood, be it functional or dysfunctional.

But maternity innately wires us to prioritize the needs of the dependent child, not those of an adult partner who should be self-sufficient. Ignoring our maternal instincts will not serve us well.

Sadly, many of our offspring now remain dependent for decades. Self-sufficiency is needed before functional parenthood can occur.

For some, the inner child still hungers for love and to be seen, so they become super-achievers driven to please others, risking burn-out and difficulty maintaining healthy relationships at home. We have to redefine success.

Let us not repeat dysfunctional patterns. Parenting the child such that they feel loved, safe, and secure in their formative years decreases dependence over time. It facilitates the development of healthier, more functional relationships in the future. Society then reaps the benefit.

Through parenthood, we can gain some clarity about what jobs matter.

My intent is not to glorify the past.

I grew up in a country where we lived off the land. Unpaid work was a way of life, and domestic competence was praised. Physical labour was needed to create and maintain a home, design and sew clothes, and put food on the table. Children accompanied parents to all events. Entertainment was a community affair. We didn’t have electronics. Neighbours sang, played instruments, danced, and told stories. Mental health was not a concern. People had a purpose.

When we came to Canada in 1971, it quickly became apparent that most of the above jobs were outsourced. A dual income was needed in the household to pay for basic needs.

Paid work here is revered. The value of the stay-at-home parent was diminished. Having assimilated into my new culture, I never imagined I would give up my career to raise children. But I did, even though I was the first in my family to become university educated.

I recognize I had a choice that many didn’t. But, had I been able to do my paid work from home, with domestic help, my decision would likely have been different.

The demands that come with the inability to outsource domestic work can leave minimal time for innovation, skill development, and growth.

I value the freedom of modern conveniences in Canada. Yet, I keep thinking about Michael Pollan’s observation that while specialization is undeniably a powerful social and economic force, it is also debilitating, breeding helplessness and dependence and eventually undermining any sense of responsibility.

Children are our future. Countries that allocate higher resources to early childhood development will reap the rewards.

As I wrote these very random thoughts down, with so much left unsaid, it helped me realize that when it comes to childcare, I am socially progressive.