Raising happy, healthy, resilient youth

Parenting youth is not always easy. Parents have the innate drive to raise happy, healthy, responsible and resilient offspring. But there is no how-to manual and we often feel ill prepared.

My husband and I have been blessed with two healthy children, now young adults. While it would be presumptuous to imply that how we raised them is optimal for all, I would like to share three parenting strategies that helped.

1. Start with a vision of happy healthy offspring and a mission statement that empowers you with a tool to align your actions with your objective. I'll share ours.

2. Identify sparks of interest or natural talents and abilities. Inspire them to pursue career paths in their field of interest, even if you have trouble believing they can earn a living doing it. Times have changed.

3. Recognize that the teen brain is under construction and taper your expectations. Be patient and help keep them safe and functional pending full brain development.

Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People recommends that we have a vision, “begin with the end in mind” and come up with a mission statement to help accomplish our goals.

As a new mother, I was fortunate to attend a child rearing seminar where the speaker’s message resonated with me. In an effort to raise healthy, vibrant and independent offspring she advised that we:

'Love them unconditionally. Teach them right from wrong. Be a good role model.'

This became our mission statement, my modus operandi if you will. As the primary care giver, not a day went by, as I deliberated how best to react in childrearing challenges, that this message did not cross my mind. When the behaviour of either of our children caused me reason for concern, I swallowed my pride, refrained from harsh criticism, loved them unconditionally and welcomed the opportunity to help them/me learn a life lesson. Every challenge presented an opportunity for growth. As a good role model, I treated them with respect and left their dignity intact. In return they have always treated us respectfully and continue to express sincere gratitude. 

Having a clear vision of what we hope to accomplish and a mission statement to help guide us daily, empowers us to achieve our goals.

While volunteering for Parent Connections, a Halton public health inspired program, which brings together, parents, caregivers, community members and school staff, in an effort to raise happy, healthy, resilient teens, I was fortunate to hear Harvard’s Dr. Stuart Ablon share these words of wisdom. 

'Kids do well if they can. To ensure success, as parents we have to identify lagging developmental skills and help them overcome them.’

But conventional wisdom has us believe that kids do well if they “wanna”. Hence we errantly take it upon ourselves to make them wanna. Truth be told, we can't make them wanna. We can only inspire and empower them to pursue their dreams.

As our children grew up, we looked for sparks, things they were passionate about. Be it the arts, sports, science, math, commerce. We acknowledged their strengths and inspired them to dream big and set no limits; to pursue their passions ethically and with integrity. We reminded them that if they accomplished a fraction of what they are capable of, they would amaze themselves. They continue to do well, doing what they can do best and mostly what they wanna.

Looking for sparks of interest and natural talent, and inspiring motivation to work hard, to do whatever it takes to facilitate living their dream, earning their way to achieve it, will reap rewards.

Another great speaker I was privileged to have heard is Dr. Jean Clinton, a psychologist from McMaster, who articulately conveyed the message that the teen brain is under construction. The prefrontal lobes, responsible for reasoning and problem solving may not be fully developed until well into the twenties.  Impulse control, ability to make sound judgments, multi task, determine right from wrong and cause and affect relationships, may all be lagging developmental skills.

It is our job as parents to recognize this and to help keep our teens safe and functional until the brain is fully developed; to help them adapt to life in a rapidly changing environment; to become resilient.  If that means delaying handing over keys to the car, so be it. If it means keeping the teen in high school an extra year, go for it.  If it means encouraging them to have a checklist to keep them organized, help them implement that.

Hang in there. Mental, emotional growth and development are forth coming in a fully developed brain.

There is no greater contribution we can make, than to empower the next generation with the skills needed to succeed.

You can do it. Visualize success and create a mission statement. Look for sparks of interest and recognize that kids will do well if they can. Cut them some slack and help keep them safe until their brain is fully developed.