Happy marital relationships today

Relationships are designed to coax one to become a better version of oneself.

In the past I pledged to find a way to express some pearls of wisdom on how to develop and maintain healthy marital relationships. Let me start by saying that it is my informed opinion that we attract into our lives people from whom we have something to learn. Relationships are designed to coax us to become better versions of ourselves.

By no means do I consider myself a relationship "expert". But, I have been married for three decades to someone whose cultural and religious background is different from my own. While not always a walk in the park, we have raised two happy, healthy, resilient children, taking the best of what each culture and belief system had to offer, and remain lovingly committed to each other. I have also had the privilege to read some great works on the subject. So today I will share five key tips that help create healthier marital relationships in an increasingly complex world. But, first some history and biology.

Our biography becomes our biology.

As society evolves traditional gender roles no longer serve us well. According to one relationship expert, John Gray PhD, author of Men are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and more recently Beyond Mars and Venus, veering too far from our gender-based roles can be stressful. Stress depletes our body of the building blocks needed to produce sex hormones, taking a toll on our health. For confirmation, look no further than the hormone replacement and fertility industries, which have become incredibly lucrative. And consider research on Adverse Childhood Events (ACE) for impact on health and longevity.

Full disclosure, much of what I share today is based on the latest book I've read, which happens to be Beyond Mars and Venus. Yet, imbedded in this content is my interpretation, not necessarily John Gray's.

While our genes have not changed in 10,000 years the environment has. And current research confirms that the environment has a significant impact on our genetic expression. Progress is slow though. We have yet to fully adapt to being freer to move beyond traditional gender roles - to embrace our whole authentic selves.

Historically men were programmed and recognized for becoming good providers and emergency workers - ensuring safety and survival of the family and tribe. Women, on the other hand, were programmed and recognized for raising healthy children and nurturing loved ones close to home. Men still cannot conceive or nurse children. But safety is no longer a major concern. And women now have the freedom to provide financially for themselves, forgo or delay child bearing, conceive through in-vitro fertilization with or without a partner, and even outsource child rearing. So there is a disconnect between new societal expectations and our biology - including the gender-based hormone cocktail we continue to need to feel optimally healthy and balanced. This adds complexity to our relationships, for unless our hormones are balanced we may not be the best versions of ourselves.

The primitive part of our brain, is the same as a monkey's. We activate it when in stress mode. In monkey tribes the strongest male or leader is the alpha male. Females are most attracted to him and mate primarily with him. Hormone tests reveal that the alpha male produces two times more testosterone than the beta males. (Sapolsky) But when the alpha male dies and a beta male takes over, this beta male's testosterone doubles in a day. The circumstance alters the biology. 

Jim Rohn, America's foremost business philosopher, says "We are the average of the five people we hang with most." Working in a highly competitive environment, becoming "human doings" rather than "human beings", necessitates increased production of cortisol and testosterone, which for women depletes progesterone and estrogen, especially in a position of leadership and power. A person's position or status affects his/her hormonal levels. Forward thinking corporations are creating work environments that facilitate and encourage expression of our innate male and female sides to create balance, but progress is slow.

Interestingly enough, Norway, the country deemed to have the greatest gender equality in 2008, where it is culturally inappropriate to suggest that men and women are different, and where men and women share chores equally in the home, divorce rates are exceptionally high, and more stay single. Financially independent women are happy to go it alone. But surprisingly, while there is equal representation in government jobs, in the private sector women still choose to take on more traditional female jobs like teaching and nursing, while men still choose to take on more traditional male jobs like engineering and building. On the other hand, in India, where men and women are expected to play traditional roles in the home, recently outside of the home, more women are eagerly taking on "male" jobs, and men "female" jobs. Apparently, we need to have the freedom to express both our male and female traits to create balance.

'Embracing our opposite gender tendency is a good thing because it means we are experiencing the freedom to be who we truly are, independent of social expectations. But in shedding the shackles of our traditional roles, in some cases we have let go of one role to take on another that is just as limiting.'

~John Gray

5 key tips for healthier heterosexual marital relationships in an increasingly complex world:

1. Read Beyond Venus and Mars and engage in a healthy discussion on concepts presented.

2. Take 100% responsibility for what happens in your life. Don't blame, complain or make excuses. Reframe challenges as opportunities to learn and grow. As the Serenity prayer encourages: accept what cannot be changed, change what can be, and have the wisdom to know the difference.

3. Men: Embrace the fact that you no longer need to be the sole provider. Enjoy the freedom that comes with that. You'll likely live longer. As a "boomer", in my experience for a happier healthier relationship, I advise you take some pride in structurally maintaining house and yard. It may naturally increase your testosterone levels and earn you some brownie points at home.

4. Women: Let us celebrate our freedom to choose traditional male roles, while embracing our feminine side at home. Other than shopping and redecorating, tasks still commonly done by women, perhaps we can prioritize nurturing loved ones. We've outsourced a lot of that. Charity starts at home and families are the building blocks of a healthy society.

5. The relationship never ends even if we part ways. It just changes. Make peace not war. According to Byron Katie "Defence is the first act of war." Express gratitude for all the challenges that inspired growth and transformation.

Originally published June 30th, 2017 (Probably my most controversial post. My apologies for neglecting non-traditional partnerships)