Guilt can be constructive

Guilt is a moral compass. Shame is a toxic identity.

~ Brené Brown

Last week, I dropped by unannounced to see my mother. 

I did not let her know I was coming because she tends to fret.

In her eighties, living alone in her Toronto home, she is cautious when answering the door. I called her before knocking to reassure her it was me.

At 10:00 AM, she was still in her nightgown. Mom was happy to see me but expressed regret that I’d gone out of my way to drive into the city. 

I brought healthy food. Mom was grateful but uncomfortable that I was spending money on her.

I offered to drive her to run errands. She said there was nothing she needed to do.

She asked me about my granddaughters, her face erupting with glee as she recalled a story about the two-year-old. I shared photos and videos to her complete delight.

A few days prior, on her mobility scooter, Mom went to her phone service provider at the mall to complain that they were overcharging for her phone service. 

Unfortunately, on her way home, the scooter battery ran out. Two young teachers at a local school saw her and offered to charge it. They invited her to come in and watch children perform in a school assembly, while she waited. 

Mom’s face lit up as she told me how moved she was by the performance. Tears filled her eyes as she reminisced about our school performances as children.

The scooter failed to recharge. An acquaintance at the performance helped her roll it home. She was exhausted and still recovering from knee pain. 

I love our new home but wish I were closer to take her on daily walks. More walking would help prevent pain.

As usual, Mom could not let me leave empty-handed. She wanted to pay me. I refused, telling her I, too, like to give and am less inclined to come if she insists on paying me. 

She gave me green onions from her garden. I grow my own but took hers anyway to make her feel better. She managed to hide $50 in my bag.

I left with a lump in my throat, feeling a dreaded common sense of guilt. 

Guilt is a normal, adaptive emotion that can motivate us to behave better. It can help prevent regret.

Mom is most comfortable in her home, refusing invitations for overnight stays. She has five children who all visit and help when we can. 

As inconvenient as it is for me to drive into the city, I will embrace the challenge more often. We all have to do our share. My siblings have been doing much more than I. 

Happy Mother's Day.