Finding my voice

The complexity of a task expands given the amount of time allotted to its completion. This is my version of Parkinson's law.

At the end of April I was asked if I would consider doing another talk for a Toronto Chapter of the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Support Group. The talk was scheduled for the last meeting before summer break.  Meetings happen the third Thursday of every month. However on my calendar, somehow June 22nd was the designated date, which actually happens to be the fourth Thursday this month. I had sent a blurb promoting my Food & Mood presentation for Thursday, June 22nd and was not corrected. 

I had grand ideas about material I would cover and audience activities I would use to engage members. I have made it my practice to block off one day before any presentation to prepare the material, so that all is fresh in my mind. This past weekend however, I received notice that a mistake had been made. The talk had indeed been scheduled for the third Thursday - June 15th.  I take responsibility for the miscommunication.

June tends to be a crazy month, with countless unanticipated pre summer break and school year end events. I did not have the luxury of time to prepare adequately this past week. I could not cancel anything that had been pre scheduled. Yet - I pulled it off. It wasn’t flawless, but I was asked to come back again. Good enough! And I am grateful for the opportunity.

Public speaking is one of the more common phobias we experience. The interesting fact is, that in my formative years, in my native land, I had the opportunity to do public speaking in front of several large audiences. I was a big fish in a small pond.

My Canadian friends would likely have trouble believing my early public speaking background, given that at times I have been unable to even articulately express my thoughts - often relying on others to supply the right words to help me complete my sentences. I have suffered from an extreme lack of self-confidence.

Why? I finally had the chance to reflect.

We came to Canada at the end of August in 1971. The school, three of us would be attending, was not expecting us. Some classes were over-filled. The last thing they needed, were three non-English speaking new Canadians. Being sensitive, I sensed we were a burden – not only to the school system, but also to my aunt and uncle who housed us in a one-room flat, until we could find an affordable place for a family of six to live.

Needless to say, the school put us where they could find room. Sadly, I was to repeat a grade and my name would change. Too many Maria's. My older sister was placed a year ahead. Coming from a country where we wrote pass or fail final exams starting in grade one; where because I had learned to read and write before starting school I was allowed to start one year early; and where I had scored 100% in all exams my first three years of school, I was heart broken. I went from being the youngest in my class, to being the oldest in my class. I felt such shame - a sense of loss of identity.

Being the quiet one, rewarded for not asking for anything, or complicating my mother’s life, I could not express my sorrow. She had enough to deal with - I lost my "voice”. 

To complicate matters further, within my first 6 years in Canada I attended 5 different schools. So, although I was easily achieving straight A’s, no school really had the time to make things right until I got to high school - when I finally had the courage to speak up. 

At one point my sister’s teacher told my mother I appeared to be carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was sad. But, looking back I am grateful. I have learned so much more by being a tiny fish in a very large pond, than I otherwise would, by being a big fish in a small pond.

In Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life she says, the throat represents our ability to “speak up” for ourselves, to “ask for what we want”. Throat problems may mean we do not feel we have the right to do these things. We feel unable to stand up for ourselves. Coincidentally or not, I later experienced thyroid issues (which I have now overcome as linked).

To improve my communication skills I took the Dale Carnegie Course, Toastmasters and volunteered to do group talks any chance an opportunity presented itself. Having spent the last eleven years studying and practicing health and wellness, I now have the confidence to speak to any audience, on related subjects, impromptu. For that I am truly grateful.

Originally posted June 16th, 2017