Guilt always looks for punishment

Guilt is anger directed at ourselves - at what we did or did not do.

~ Peter McWilliams

Almost two weeks ago, after a hectic weekend in the city, I got up Monday morning, put on my bathing suit, and went to the lake for a cold plunge. 

My husband had cut a hole in the lake and cleared a path that exposed a sheet of ice where the shore meets the dock. I tried to go around it but slipped, landing hard on my left hand.

The pain was intense. For various reasons, I sensed myself going to a dark place of blame. 

I needed to cool down - no better way to ice than in an icy lake. I came out taking 100% responsibility for my predicament.

That day, although I couldn’t put weight on my hand, and my fingers were a little swollen, mobility was fine. I had no interest in going to a hospital. I wrapped the hand well enough to immobilize it and embraced the pain.

To cope, I listened to guided healing meditations. I was led to one by Louise Hay, who explained how guilt always looks for punishment and pain. She went on to say that when combined with anger, guilt attracts accidents.

An aha moment

If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.

~Jack Kornfield

Aha! I had spent a couple of days preparing food to take to the city prior to the weekend. I was looking forward to looking after our two granddaughters, Friday night, while mom and dad were out. This was the first time they would be leaving both girls for a well-deserved dinner out. On Saturday, we would host our son’s birthday, and on Sunday, I was helping with food prep for a shower we were attending. 

On Thursday my husband confirmed he would not be joining me. He was supply teaching the next day and wanted to do some painting in the garage, Saturday and Sunday. I wanted his help but understood his decision.

To complicate matters, my mother called me that day and said she needed to get bloodwork done. Feeling guilty that I had done so little for her lately, I was trying to figure out how I would fit her in. 

Maybe I could leave home earlier on Friday? But, I still had so much to do. Okay! I’d stay overnight on Sunday and see Mom on Monday. 

It didn’t happen. 

I was tired after the shower. My social battery was drained. The forecast was advising against travel the next day due to snow squalls. I drove home. 

Feeling guilty, subconsciously I found a way to punish myself. 

It seems the universe found yet another way to tell me to slow down too.

Message received. I would have to take the time to heal myself.

Closing thought

Guilt can either hold you back from growing, or it can show you what you need to shift in your life. 

~ Unknown

In the meditation, to step out of the victim role, Louise Hay asks that we repeat this affirmation: 

I am willing to release in me the pattern that has created this condition. 

I attracted this accident. With awareness, I took my power back, found the hidden gift, and healed myself. My husband has been very supportive.